Hello, New Lifestyle: My First Workout Since the Clinton Administration!!

Ok - I must start by saying that youtube is my biggest time-waster lately.  I've been looking up and thinking about Tourettes (don't ask why - just an interest in the condition) and there are many videos about it - mostly educational...some fake (which I do NOT find funny...along with fake seizures, fake mental disorders, or Tom Arnold - but those are discussions for another day).  Anyway, I saw this amazing video about a guy with Tourette's, and it's called, "Tourette's - I Swear I Can't Help It."  That in itself is great, but what I find fascinating is that there's this scene where a bunch of men with Tourette's are in group therapy together where the therapist is trying to give advice.  Some of their tics take over (the tic where they yell obscenities is called coprolalia) and, anyways, they're saying F this and F that, and the therapist is just like, "Well, that's a good way to put it," and "That's not something I'd like to do right now."  Talk about finding a way to deal with it in a way that can make those affected with it laugh.  It was great!  (Explicit language...watch cautiously).                                       

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtCG0wG-5E0&feature=related

My other new favorite video was pointed out to me by my pastor's wife. It's a little girl with a dead squirrel.  She's petting it and calling it her friend - so cute (and gross!).  And my favorite part is when the dad says, "Ok...now put the squirrel down and we're gonna come in and take a bath and we're not gonna touch it again."  HA HA HA HA  That's exactly what I'd say to my child...who would be asking, "Why, mama??"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gRXg6C7kvU

Anyways...I won a gift certificate to the local fitness club from a silent auction at my place of employment.  And before you say, sure, you won it because you cheated or something, know that I paid $155 for this particular item and no one bid after I did for at least 30 minutes before the auction closed (which is more than I think was bid on almost all other items).  So, I won it fair and square.  Suck it, haters!

So today I had my first trial workout.  I say "trial" because I wasn't sure how I would feel about the actual "working out" concept, nor did I think I could work out for more than (seriously, now), 10 minutes without having a massive coronary embolism.  So after I got the kids out of the back of the check-in desk, stopped them from running around, and took away their suckers to FITS of screaming...yes, I know - running with suckers.  No one calls me Mother of the Year, and I don't expect to win that award anytime soon.  (BUT at least I'm still ahead of Dina Lohan.  My husband would say that that's not saying much.)

<---yup, you won't see me wearing that!

So, back to the story...I check my kids into the daycare part and go upstairs to the cardio room where every machine has a tv attached.  Working out is going to be so rough!  But, as you may have read in previous blogs, I don't like working out, and I don't like people watching, smelling, or hearing me work out because, despite my comfort level with myself, that doesn't mean that other people want to "experience" my comfort.  I'd work out in a bra and hotpants if I didn't think everyone would want to scratch their eyes out with their bony legs (which is truly amazing - ALL the people who work out there look great.  UGH!  Why am I always the fat funny friend?) 

So I decide biking wouldn't be so bad - I get a big cushy seat for my big cushy hinder, I can go slow if I feel like it, and I don't strain my back on the recumbent ones.  I flip on the TV.  Food Network is on.  That's like porn for fat people.  I decided even looking at that station would make me gain weight, so I turn on Millionaire.  Nothing like a good ol' quiz show with suspenseful music to keep my heart pumping.  Meredith Viera is looking expecially serious on this episode....NO - IT'S (C) BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, YOU DUMBASS!!!  OH - I'm here to work out - right. 

I begin my program.  I'm my own Lance Armstrong for the first 3 minutes.  Then the mountains hit.  Ooh crap...jello legs, cramping, things I've never felt before, sweating, pant, pant, pant...ooh, it's over...that wasn't so bad...I can actually feel myself cooling down. 

What Would Lance Do?  He'd say, "F you, mountains.  F you, left testicle.  F you, Sheryl Crow - I'm gonna win this Tour de (or is it "du"??) France without you in my way!" 

I look around - there's a guy 2 bikes over sweating so much that the floor underneath his bike looks like friggin' Lake Michigan.  He doesn't seem to mind and no one else does either...maybe this won't be so bad...

Another hill...I say some expletives in my mind - for the hill and because I believe that I am watching Millionaire on what must be the day of the people-who-do-not-know-things-even-monkeys-know.  Seriously.   J.R.R.TOLKIEN - GET IT RIGHT, MORON!!

Now, you gotta realize that I'm using muscles that have been hibernating for, oh, about 8 years.  So the rest of my workout was much like I described before, and when I was done I wiped off my machine (and when people saw me all sweaty, they surprisingly did not look judgmental), got my kids, and left.  I said to myself, "Self, you can do this every day for your heart, for your kids, for your husband, and for yourself."

I didn't have a heart attack, my legs didn't fall off, I didn't hate it, and I didn't die from sight, sound and smell embarrassment.  It was actually kinda great.  And after all that work, I didn't want to eat any junk food today, lest I wreck my 45 minutes of Lance Armstrong-ing it. 

Bonjour, new lifestyle.  You're going to be a nasty bitch, but I'll love you unconditionally...just like Dina and Lindsay!

Holy Crap!

Holy Crap - it's June in 2 days, and I just realized I haven't blogged since March 30th?!  What the hell is wrong with me?

As I sit in my room listening to my 2 kids fighting, and I'm dripping in sweat from the first hotter than blazes day we've had so far this "summer," I'm wondering where the last 2 months went...

Here are my updates:

While I wasn't at the zoo, children's museum, other zoo, sidewalk, beach, park, other park, other other park, or working, teaching, directing, fundraising, recital-ing, singing, bathing, feeding my kids, bathing my kids, bathing my kids after feeding my kids...I was getting fatter.

<--- my fat ass enjoying a basketball game

<--- me and The Don

Yes, you heard me right - I gained 7 lbs.  What.  The.  Hell.  ??.

I was hoping the rapture would just take care of it all for me but that asshat Camping or Campbell or whatever got it wrong.  Again.  Some people just shouldn't be aloud to live make predictions.  I'm just glad I didn't quit my job like some of the other idiots out there.  "Ooooh - the rapture's coming.  And even though the bible says no one knows when it's coming, I think I'll quit my job and sell all my stuff because some guy who got the date wrong before says he knows exactly when it's going to be."  You dumbasses deserve to be jobless and belonging-less.

This could've happened to me...but it didn't, fool!  Now I have no excuse not to lose the weight.  I hate you, rapture-less May!

By the way, for those of you who don't know me on facebook, this was his equation:

If the #5 represents "atonement" in the bible, and 10 represents "completeness," and 17 represents "heaven"... then, clearly:

(atonement X completeness X heaven) (squared) = 722,500

And 722,500 days after Jesus died on the cross was APPARENTLY May 21st, 2011 - the day of the supposed rapture. 

Whatever.  That's about as believable as me saying I weigh 120 lbs.  Or Kim Jong Il is just the nicest guy.  Or I don't love Fergie Ferg.

NOT my weight ------>

<---- not the nicest guy

LOVE her ----->

                                                                                                   

So, anyway, the moral of the story is that because the rapture didn't come, I'm stuck with now trying to lose more weight.  But I have to admit that I wasn't trying very hard.  So my goal for the summer:  use my gym membership I won at an auction wisely so as not to embarrass my family when I'm in a swimsuit in their presence. 

2 down, 38 to go...and...Chicken Cordon Bleu recipe

So, I've gone down to 234.  That's 2 lbs!  I know it's not water weight that I've lost, because I consumed more water than I have.  So...I'm proud the fact that it's because I'm eating healthier.

I found a diabetic cookbook, so I'm using recipes from that.  I found some great ones - Spinach Souffle, Chicken Cordon Bleu, and Turkey Burgers top the list.  And my kids LOVE these recipes too - everyone wins...like a smiling contest...

We had the Chicken Cordon Bleu last night - it was SO TASTY!  And only 192 calories per serving.  I really hate measuring my food like I'm some kind of scientist (and those of you who know me know that math, science, and social studies are NOT my strong suits), but if it's what I have to do, I guess it's what I have to do.

Here's the recipe for chicken cordon bleu:

Serving size - one chicken roll.
Calories - 192
Carbs - 7 g
Protein - 21 g
Fat - 8 g
Sodium (the not GREAT part) - 398 mg

Indredients:
4 (3 oz) skinless, boneless chicken                        1 egg, lightly beaten
2 (1 oz) slices lean ham - cut in half                       2 T flour
2 (1 oz) slices low-fat swiss cheese - cut in half     Veg cooking spray (I like Pam)
1/3 c. chopped onion                                            1/4 (10 1/2 oz) can cream of chiekcn soup

Prep:
- put chicken between 2 sheets of plastic wrap and pound until 1/4 in thick with meat mallet or rolling pin
- put one slice of ham and one slice of swiss on each chicken breast. 
- roll up and secure with toothpick
- dip each chicken roll in egg and then in flour
- place each roll (seam down) in a shallow baking dish coated with clloking spray. 
- Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes
- combine onion and soup
- spoon over chicken and bake for an additional 15 minutes

4 servings

MORE RECIPES TO COME! 

Rock Bottom...

Ugh!!  I'm only 2 weeks into this thing, and I feel like a failure.  My weight has maintained.  236 = a sucky number. 

My rock bottom point this week was when I was looking at the tag of one of my shirts.  I realized that I'm still wearing some of my maternity tanks and shirts and a nightgown.  I've been wearing them for over a year-and-a-half...  So I panicked and went through all my clothes only to realize the ploethera of maternity clothes still hanging in my closet.  Hey - look on the bright side - at least I knew enough to put all of the pants away a long time ago...though, like Joey on Friends, I may have to get those out again for Thanksgiving. 

No copyright violation intended :)

I guess I have two choices:  wear a makeshift "fake belly" made of a melon and ace bandages so I have an excuse to still be wearing them...though all my friends would be really confused a few months from now when no baby comes out and I smell like rotton fruit...  Or I can nut up and take them into the garage where they belong, thus cutting down my undershirt supply. 

I choose the latter.  I hate rotton fruit.  And ace bandages. 

What this MIGHT look like...though he used a belt...

So my goals for this week are (in wonderful 50 degree weather!!):

• Walk 4 times with my kids
• Find 3 healthy, low sodium, low fat meals to make for my family since I'm on SPRING BREAK BABY - WHOOOO!!!   (Sorry, got carried away.  For a minute I forgot I wasn't on VH1.  What should have tipped me off was the weather.  And me NOT being drunk.  Or a perverted 21-year-old frat boy.  Or a desperate girl in a too-small-for-my-children's-eyes bikini...)
• Be a little firmer with myself regarding snacking...though I've cut down quite a bit...

In other news, I have a few friends who have offered to go walking with me.  I am excited. 

And on Tuesday, I'm going to go to my parents' house to help my mom clean.  I'm not a neat freak by any means, but my mom has some collecting tendencies I'm going to try to break her of.  We'll see if she's like the people on Hoarders who cry over throwing away a used diaper.  (P.S. after the cleaning session with my mom, I appreciate her strength even more than I ever have.  She had no problem getting rid of/donating items that she hasn't used in years.  And the happiness on her face to see her clean closets was priceless.  WAY TO GO MOM!!)  Then again, I've said it before and I'll say it again, my husband won't let me work for animal shelters because I'd bring every animal home in an effort to "save" them.  Animal Hoarder is the ONLY kind of hoarder I could be.  Then my house would look like this:

Let's just say, I'm not the one who scoops the litter, so my husband says I'm not the one who gets to choose how many cats we have...  "No scoop-y, no save-y." 

Then Wednesday I'm going swimming at the Y with my Executive Director and her daughter, and the thought of me in a swimsuit may give me a panic attack...but I have drugs for anxiety, so I'll be fine.  And sleepy. 

Speaking of being sleepy and swimming, does anyone play Sims?  Because sometimes when I'm just really fed up with the "shit show" (as my neighbors call it) that IS my life, I will make a new family on Sims, build them a pool, and delete all the ladders.  They eventually fall asleep, die, get buried in the backyard, and haunt the rest of their family.  Am I twisted for thinking that's hilarious? 

Wah wah wah....  Rest In Peace, Charlie Sheen (that's what I named her because I figured no one else would be crazy enough to go into a pool without ladders...while sleepy...

One bad week...

I can make excuses (and I have) about why last week didn't work out so well for me.  I could say, "Oh, I didn't have time to walk." 

and

"Oh, my inlaws came into town and I didn't want them to see me obsessed with losing weight."

and

"My kids have been sick, so I really didn't want to take them outside to endure the wind and perhaps another ear infection."

But the reality is, I need to take a more active role in my own weight loss.  I need to walk.  I need to count my calories.  I need to get healthy.

In other news, Melanie is signed up for 4K, Fairy ballerina camp, and vacation bible school.  Daniel is officially a walker now, which means putting everything up much MUCH higher.  Oh, and did I mention that he's been climbing now, so that means strapping furniture to the walls.  We NEVER had to do that with Melanie.  But one day I turn around, and there's little Daniel standing in Melanie's rocking chair...pictures to come later...

So...I've decided that I'm going to start a routine where after breakfast every morning I walk with the kids, then shower, then we go on with our day.  If I don't do it right away in the morning, I will procrastinate until it's too late and I have to go to work.

Or I could just watch my little Daniel eat the grossest things until I vomit...which recently has been:
 - things out of his high chair that I haven't vacuumed yet...examples include dried ham and dried mac and cheese.  I must invest in a hand-held so I don't have to haul out the vacuum 5 times a day.
 - wipes...not used ones, mind you - I have enough sense to clean those up right away.  But you'd think the taste of the wipes would be disgusting.  Apparently my child is a wipe addict.  If that's the case, my baby needs rehab because we're going through wipes like "fat Oprah" goes through toilet paper.
 - cat treats...why he thinks they look/smell/taste appealing is beyond me.
 - cat puke...he got to this one before I even realized there was some on the floor.  I must remember to do feline barf recon every morning before I let the little stinker loose

I'm beginning to think I need to put a muzzle on this kid.

And a helmet.

I'm not the kind of person who lifts things...

The title of this post is something I actually said to my husband while we were dating.  He found it to be endearing.  I found it to be truthful.

I was never the kid who could climb the rope in gym.  I couldn't do the "correct" number of push-ups for my weight.  I failed the Presidential Fitness Test every year in school because of my wimpy arms.  I've never done a pull-up.  EVER. 

So, it should come to no surprise to anyone that I cringe when I think of doing things to strengthen my upper body.  I'm fine knowing my 'body size to arm strength' ratio would rival that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  I've been comfortable that way.

(just in case you haven't seen me in awhile and wanted to remember what I look like...)


But I cannot accept the bulge of flab that has migrated its way to my triceps.  I actually have upper-arm cellulite.  There should be a commandment against God giving that to people - it's just cruel.  "Commandment #11 - Thou Shalt not have both cottage cheese thighs AND couscous-like upper arms."

.....oooohhhhh.....mixing cottage cheese and couscous...that sounds delicious!  I shall call it:  Cottage cous. 

The ACTUAL Day One (a.k.a. this sucks!!)

Awww, man.  I didn't eat any "bad" stuff today, and I'm still the same weight!  WHY isn't this INSTANTANEOUS?????!!!!!
(frowny face X 1,000,000)

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your words, thoughts, recipes, etc.  This isn't going to be easy in the least, but it's MUCH better knowing I'm not alone!

Well, I was childless yesterday, so I didn't wake up until 9:30.  Then I rolled out of bed, vigorously cleaned the house to find out that my vacuum sucks.  I mean, it doesn't suck.  I mean...it sucks because it won't suck. 

So, whatever.  I need a new one.  And I don't have $300 to drop on a new one.  So either I will push my 1.3-year-old toward the crumbs, or I will invest in a goat.  (note to self:  research goat market prices and subsequent upkeep)

Anyway, to get to my point, by the time I rolled out of bed, cleaned a little, watched "Drop Dead Diva" (my new fave show...why isn't Season 2 on Netflix to watch INSTANTLY yet??), showered, and got myself to work with 1 minute to spare before our meeting started, I was tired.  I was so "good" at work - I resisted my usual chocolatey-coffee drink, a cookie from my coworker Mark, and other such tempations.

My coffee house of choice:  Beans n' Cream...located in the beautiful Cannery Square area of Downtown Sun Prairie...I HIGHLY recommend the Mocha Mocha Madness...

 

 And on my list of other FAVORITE things that are happening in my life right now is the fact that my students (with my help) are making CDs of themselves singing.  We're spending the month of March (read: the period of time where we're usually stuck in a rut) recording various songs they've worked on throughout the year.  So, not only is this an amazing incentive to practice, but they also get something to show for it at the end.  The happiness on their faces is priceless!  It was a great day.  But when I got home, I was in NO mood to exercise. 

So, here are my stats for today (Tuesday - the ACTUAL  day 1):

Weight:  UGH! - do I really have to tell you?  Ok...fine... 236...which is not a lie, like my driver's license...

Calories consumed so far:

Breakfast:

• Chai Latte made at home with water, not milk, and sans my usual hazelnut creamer - 120 calories
• 1 1/4 c. Kix cereal with 1/2 c. skim milk - 150 calories
• TOTAL for breakfast:  270 calories

Lunch:

• 1/2 c pasta thingie with veggies (one serving was a cup.  I thought that was excessive) - 160 cal
• 4 buffalo chicken tenders (naughty) baked (not so naughty) - 320 cal
• water to drink
• 1/4 apple - ?? calories
• 1 Reese's peanut butter egg - 120 cal
• TOTAL for lunch: about 600 cal - not too bad

My goals for the week (thanks to my buddy Laura for being my weight-loss friend):

Walk 4 times with my kids

Go to the park if it's nice

Eat 2,000 calories a day or less.